


Cephalon Suda and Cressa Tal Get Drunk, Flirt and Eat Pizza Rolls

by MalthusIndex



Category: Warframe
Genre: Alcohol, Cressa did nothing wrong, Drunkenness, F/F, This is a bad joke fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22152295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalthusIndex/pseuds/MalthusIndex
Summary: This is a basically a joke fic / troll fic for a very specific person who responded well to this idea when I jokingly suggested it. So here we go. Be warned, it's very bad, because I wrote it in half an hour while drinking cider myself.
Relationships: Cephalon Suda/Cressa Tal
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Cephalon Suda and Cressa Tal Get Drunk, Flirt and Eat Pizza Rolls

Suda’s glowing humanoid form had been waiting at the Relay bar for hours now. If this blind date didn't show up, she would be furious - this was her first time taking part in one of these, and she didn't want to become the laughing stock of the Syndicates by getting stood up. She'd probably just blame the Tenno - it _had_ been their idea, after all. Either them, or the entirety of New Loka. It wasn't like Amaryn could get any these days anyway, except maybe from the Ancient Healer death squads she liked to keep producing. Knowing her sick mind, the tentacles were probably a **bonus**.

Then again, it _was_ a blind date. Maybe one of the regular Relay-dwellers were supposed to be there to meet her. They had agreed on a simple identification system: both would order the same two drinks, one red and one blue. Then, they’d mix them until they were holding a glass of purple liquid. Unless Darvo had recently brought in a brand new case of some previously-unknown neon purple liquor, it would be an almost foolproof system.

Nobody around her seemed to have done it, though. There were quite a few faces she recognised in the crowd. One of her most trusted Tenno was sitting in the corner feeding snacks to her pet Kubrow – she had no idea how that was allowed, but maybe the barman just didn’t care. That weird, nervous little Cephalon psychologist, or counsellor, or _whatever he was,_ was busy crying over the fact that he didn’t have arms to eat his burger with. Simaris was even there, getting uncomfortably close to Ordis, as usual.

There was no sign of her date, though. She was starting to get nervous. Imagine her, _THE_ Cephalon Suda, getting no-showed like this! It was… completely unfair, to be quite honest.

She wasn’t even really that interested in the date itself, or the romantic aspect. She was just, well… she was feeling some physical needs and wanted to get them out of the way as soon as possible. Her Datascape could only entertain her for so long.

Just as she went to take a sip of her drink, she heard a loud smash, the tiny blue cubes that made up her body warping and stretching at the sound of glass shards and alcohol droplets rocketing across the bar floor. Where her drink _had_ been, there was an arm. Amaryn’s arm.

“Oh, sorry about that, _Soda_ ~. I guess I didn’t see your glass. Perhaps if you were drinking something a little more _pure_ , it would have caught my eye.”

The Cephalon sighed. Not this again.

“Amaryn, I am not in the mood. Go and bother somebody else, somebody who cares.”

“Are you really going to be so rude, Soda? Watch out, you might start fizzing until your cap blows right off.”

“My name is S-U-D-A, tree hugger. I rarely get to take time away from my work, and I would like to enjoy it in peace. Please leave, or-“

The New Loka leader laughed, clearly enjoying herself too much to leave poor Suda alone. “Or whattt~? You’ll send your little scavenger drones after me to steal my underwear so you can add it to your shrine? God, you’re such a pervert, Suda.“

There was a loud bang somewhere behind Amaryn, and she and Suda both jumped in surprise. The rest of the bar barely seemed to notice, all absorbed in their own issues.

“Oi, purity nerd! Go on back to your Jacuzzi and water your plants before I shove ya Bountiful Seeds up your ass.”

The bang was the sound of a large Grineer tankard being slammed on the iron counter, and the voice was none other than Steel Meridian’s leader, Cressa Tal. Suda hadn’t even seen her come in, but then again, half of the bar’s lights simply didn’t seem to work.

Amaryn began to back away, still giggling, but with a hint of fear in her tone. “Oh, no, whatever will I do? The _Grineer_ and the _Robot_ are teaming up on me! Shock! Horror!”

“I swear, Amaryn. I have shoved things **far** up many asses many different times, and I’m prepared to do it again. I’ll stick that Sancti Magistar so deep into your body that the Tenno could use you to beat a Nox to death!”

Before she had even finished yelling, Amaryn was speed-walking her way out of the door, shrinking back into herself like a scared animal who had just been caught by hunters.

The Grineer woman chuckled to herself, slamming back what was left in her tankard in under two seconds. This was clearly her first drink of the night – Suda had seen Cressa drink before, and it didn’t take much to get her going. “Ah, never gets old. She’ll act all prissy and self-righteous until ya actually threaten her. Are you alright, Suda?”

“Oh, yes, I’m fine, thank you. Why did you stand up to her like that?”

“I don’t hate you, you know. Besides, we both like taking the piss out of New Loka, so we’ve got something in common.”

It was… a logical argument, Suda had to give her that. Cressa Tal had always been fairly friendly to her and her operatives, at least most of the time. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. Are you here to relax as well?”

The Grineer smirked. “Actually, this is a pleasure visit. I’ve got an arrangement with a special somebody here. Doesn’t look like they’ve turned up, though.” She started to peer off into the corners of the bar, looking for her ‘special somebody’, whoever that might be.

“Me too. I was able to bribe Ordis into taking over my responsibilities for the day so I could come here and… meet a date.”

Cressa laughed – not a malicious laugh, but a warm, happy one. “Suda! Ya should have told me you were getting back into the dating game!”

“It’s not something I’m particularly proud of.” The Cephalon lowered her voice, but only slightly. “I _think_ my preferences have changed a little bit, in ways that I’m not ready to talk about to the public openly yet. My reputation as a Syndicate leader is at stake, after all.”

“Fair enough, fair enough. Myself, I’ve been experimentin’ with women.”

Suda nearly spat her drink out at how blunt the other woman was being. Well, she would have, if she possessed real lips and a throat in this form. Right now, the drinks were simply being absorbed directly into her mind, which was more pleasant than it had first sounded.

“Really? I never thought that women were your… type. No offense intended.”

“None taken. And nah, think of it this way. Most Grineer men are pretty bulky, and if ya want to get hold of a good, submissive partner, none of them really work. Normal people just aren’t into us Grineer, either. But with the women, you get the slimmer bodies _and_ a higher chance of them secretly being a massive sub, since most of ‘em are already commanders.”

If Suda could blush in this form, she would have turned bright red. Cressa was… far more open about this than she normally was. Perhaps she simply trusted Suda, but even still, she didn’t normally act this way.

“Yes, well, good luck with that. I assume your ‘special someone’ is a female Grineer, then?”

“Actually, I’ve got no idea. Blind date. Part of me is hoping it’s actually Amaryn, just so I can hatefuc-“

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t go into that kind of thing.” Suda sighed, looking at her drink. It was still purple, just like that’d agreed. “I’m starting to think my date isn’t even coming. We had the signal set out and everything.”

“Signal? The drinks, right?”

Suda’s cube-based humanoid form nodded, taking another sip.

Before she could finish the drink, Cressa finished her sentence. “Yeah, mine too.”

Suda’s mind froze for a moment. The drink mixture had been her idea. She hadn’t taken it from any dating help books or digital files. The chances of some other person in the Relay coming up with the same signal on the same day were so astronomically small that-

“Cressa. We’re each other’s dates.”

“What?”

“The drinks. That was my idea. You’re my blind date.”

“Ah, shit, really? I was hoping for a defected Scorpion, I hear their grappling hooks are great for-“

“Cressa, please. Since we’re here, we may as well make the best of it. Do you want me to buy you another drink?”

The Grineer woman chuckled, shaking her empty tankard. “Only if you let me buy you one afterwards!”

= = =

“Suda?”

“Yes?”

“The fuck… the fuck’s up with Amaryn?”

The bar had long since emptied, with only Darvo left to hand out drinks. He would have kicked them out, but he was already in trouble with the syndicates for numerous illegal activities, and he didn’t want to get on their bad side yet again.

Suda finished her fifth drink and snorted with laughter. “I just think she’s jealous of how I look. Have you seen that dress? It’s like her mother made it!”

“Isn’t she, like, a pope, or some shit?”

She and the Grineer broke down into a fit of laughter as they poured themselves yet another bottle of whatever alcohol Darvo had left. By now, they really didn’t care anymore.

“You know C-Cressa, I always thought your cybir… cyb… roboty parts were so hot. Like, ten out of twenty smoking hot.”

“Really? Nahh, you’re just saying that! Why would - _hic_ \- that be hot to you?”

“Because you’re like… strong. You could snap me like a twig.”

Cressa slammed back _yet another_ tankard of whatever she was choosing to drink, giggling to herself. “Why would I want to snap a cutie like you? You’re adorable, always – _hic-_ always _–hic-_ fuckin’ hiccups… you’re always so nice to the visitors you get.”

“What if I a-asked you to snap me? Would you do it?”

“I don’t fuckin’… what? Are you asking me to kill you?”

Suda was completely gone by this point. Poor Ordis was probably overwhelmed with confused Tenno back at her relay room, but she didn’t care. Her humanoid form slumped against Cressa, pulling her into a tight hug.

“You’re a big muscular robot lady and that’s hot and want to date you and you feel so waaaarm~”

Cressa pushed her back up, holding Suda up by the shoulder while using her other hand to continue drinking. “We c-can’t do that. I’m Shteel Marididinan, and you’re part of… whatever your syn… shindicate is. It’s like… Romeo and Juliet?”

“Cressa let me hug youuu~…”

“Suda, you’re drunk. I’ve gotta be the responsib… responsible shober adult and get you _–hic–_ home shafely.”

At that moment, Darvo had finally decided to cut them off, mainly for his own safety. Suda clearly couldn’t stand anymore, and Cressa was so drunk that she appeared to believe she was actually fully sober.

“Alright, you two ladies should probably head home. I’ll tell your syndicates to come get you.”

Cressa spun around, slamming her augmented fist directly into the counter mere inches from Darvo’s hand. “We’re going back to my placshe, don’t botherrr…”

And with that, she turned and left, bridal-carrying Suda’s glowing form in her arms as she limped her way into the depths of the Relay.

= = =

Suda awoke in a strange place. It was warm, snug and felt… soft all around. She was looking directly at a blank wall, floating in midair. It took a while for her to look down and realise that she was actually lying in a bed, looking at the ceiling. The distinct smell of… something edible was wafting in from another room, and she felt herself hungering for the mystery snack. However, the moment she sat up, a massive ache rocked her entire body, mainly the section she called a ‘head’.

This wasn’t one of her rooms that was for sure. The entire thing was covered in old Grineer items, repurposed or redecorated with Steel Meridian’s logo and colours. She thought back to last night…

_I went out for drinks. Amaryn got scared off. Cressa Tal appeared. Cressa Tal was my… date…_

She felt a twinge of shame slowly work its way through her entire mind. Before she could do anything about it, the lady herself appeared, carrying a tray and dressed in an apron. And, apparently, nothing else. Admittedly, most of her body was cybernetic, but that didn’t matter to Suda. In fact, it had the… opposite effect.

“Rise and shine, Sudsy~! While you were sleeping off the drinks, I went and made some breakfast!” She placed the tray down on the bed, sitting on the empty side that she had presumably vacated earlier in the day. “I’m sorry it’s nothing more nutritional, but ya didn’t leave me much time to do my grocery shopping. Or anything else, for that matter.”

“Cressa, did we...?”

“…I have no idea! Probably. Maybe. I kind of hope not, because I don’t remember it, and I’m sure ya would have done things to me that were worth remembering. I would have returned the favour in kind, too~.” She laughed as one of her robotic arms spun like a drill.

_Oh dear._

Well, she may as well accept it. She’d worry about it later, once she was back in her own Syndicate room again. Picking up one of the small snacks in between her finger and thumb – both made of tiny blue cubes – she moved it over to her simulated face. “What are these?”

“Those… are Pizza Rolls. The food of champions. Don’t ask me why they’re so good, because _I don’t know_!”

Well, it was clear that Cressa had gone insane, or at least suffered some kind of short-term breakdown. Still, there was no reason to waste food, and her simulated body could still try to turn it into useful mass or something. She popped the tiny swirled parcel in her mouth and swallowed, letting the simulation take over for her.

_Oh no. They’re good._

She took another and tried it, with the same result as before. They were really good. She needed a sample of these to add to her databases back at her Syndicate – how had she never encountered these snacks before?

“Cressa, you need to tell me how you created these. This could be a… _ow ow ow my head_.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen. We drank **a lot** of alcohol last night. And possibly other things. I vaguely remember a whip and some ‘cuffs being involved, but I might be confusing last night with the night before…”

“Do these headaches go away?”

“Yeah, eventually. Just keep eating the pizza rolls until it stops, I guess. ‘S what I do.”


End file.
